When you see a person, see the good
I once worked at a middle school and was part of a team of people from vastly different backgrounds. There were middle school administrators and teachers, University directors and staff, college students who led after school activities, medical providers and me as the health educator. This was an odd grouping of people and we didn’t always get along. There was one woman in particular who often spoke up at our meetings and derailed our momentum. Let’s call her Fran. Fran had fluffy white hair and dressed in the out of date comfort clothes you’d expect of someone her age. She would make demands and ask questions that took us in other directions away from our task at hand. It was very frustrating.
One meeting, the college student spoke up about a process that needed changing because it wasn’t currently working. Fran gave an immediate rebuttal and said that the college student had no qualifications and her opinion was not valid. I was appalled. It was so disrespectful and untrue. Although the college student didn’t have a degree, she had hands-on experience, she was the one who worked directly with students and parents the most. From that day on I stopped seeing Fran as a minor inconvenience and began actively avoiding her, refusing to engage with her whenever possible.
This continued throughout the school year and everything was going fine. It made me realize that I didn’t need to get so caught up in everything that was said at our meetings. I attended meetings, did my job and “kept my head down”. Then towards the end of the school year I attended a conference where a colleague commented about how lucky I was to work with Fran and learn from her. She went on to say that Fran was a nun for many years and had spent over a decade in El Salvador serving the people there and fighting for basic human rights. Thousands of people were killed, tortured and removed from their homes. Fran was shot at many times and one of those times a fellow nun was killed right in front of her. None of this deterred her; she stayed there in El Salvador serving those who were wounded, physically, mentally and spiritually until the conflict ended.
I was speechless and humbled. How did I not know Fran as a person with a history, with humanity? My complaints about her suddenly seemed so petty. They were petty. I chose to disconnect and disengage and because of this I did not connect with Fran and others. I didn’t know who they were, what they’ve experienced and what they value. I thought it was best to focus on myself, my work and get the job done as independently as possible. But that’s not what teams are about. What a missed opportunity to create something better together.
That Monday when I returned to school I sought out Fran and sat with her. I asked how her weekend was and we talked about the school and the students. In just a few moments she shared with me a great idea she had for my program. I took that idea into action that summer and it was a great success.
I couldn’t go back in time to engage with her sooner but at least I could start then. I could also learn from the experience and you can too. Fran, like all of us, is a whole complex person. She is full of experiences, lessons learned, feelings and values. She is good and she is bad. If I take one experience of her and choose to define her by that I will never truly know her. I will not learn from her. I will limit the possibilities of what could be.
My grandfather was a wise man who said, “Every person you meet knows something you don’t. Learn from them.” We all know that our gratitude practice helps us find and focus on the good in our lives. This week, focus your attention on the people around you who you don’t know so well. What good is there within them? What are you grateful for about them? What can you learn from them? No matter what.
[su_quote cite=”Marco Pierre White”]I think that’s what’s important in life. You should always look at the good in a person not the bad. If you look at the bad you’ll never see the good. If you look at the good you’ll understand the bad.[/su_quote]
This Week’s Gratitude Question
[su_button url=”http://www.ourgratitudecollective.com/activity/” background=”#178fb3″]Think of someone who upset you. What good do you see in them? What are you grateful for about them?[/su_button]
My Gratitude Experience Last Week
I am proud of myself for instantly reframing. Many times it is not until I sit down to write my gratitude that I find gratitude in a bad situation but yesterday I did it in the moment. I was stuck in a crazy traffic jam, the freeway was closed to one lane, and I had to be across town on a deadline. Immediately I was grateful that I went early so I could eat. I didn’t end up having time to eat but I was grateful that there was a gas station and I could get my favorite survival food local beef jerky and potato chips.
Forgotten Gratitude
Last week I was also grateful for being moved to tears during an emotive sad clown aerial performance … Rain! and the resulting lushness even though most of that is weeds … A sweet consoling hug.
A New eCard
Image by Antonia Montoya. Background Painting by Rose B. Simpson
The Gratitude I Shared Last Week
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| Sun | 5/17/2015 | For unexpected money when I really needed it. Conversations with strangers about things I love. Good jerky and potato chips when I didn’t have time for a meal. Peace and quiet to help me relax. |
| Sat | 5/16/2015 | I’m grateful for another rainy day, this time a perfect Saturday, the rumble of thunder led me out of bed this morning and under my porch to take in our rain-soaked yard … A lovely relaxing day off … Cooking a yummy dinner, so much creamy deliciousness and some spinach fresh from the garden. |
| Fri | 5/15/2015 | I’m grateful for a spectacular opening night and the enthusiastic support of my parents … I’m grateful for being able to help, encourage and support … Kisses, hand on the small of her back … The question today asks about food gratitude, today is more about the company than the food. So wonderful to connect with Heather, made my Friday … Starting the day with Creative Mornings. |
| Thu | 5/14/2015 | Thankful that I finally got that pesky moth out of my car … For getting that forgotten work task done just in time … For a surprise visit, a sweet kiss, a pretty pink and tasty drink and a chewy oatmeal cookie, my favorite. Oh and I’m grateful that I wrote my gratitude tonight. I had already given myself permission to skip it and embrace being grumpy. Glad I made a different choice. |
| Wed | 5/13/2015 | I’m grateful for all the love notes, tributes, and open sharing of emotion that so many if you have shared for Jim on Facebook … An unexpected mini nap today … Good timing, yes I had to run but that’s good for me … Our rehearsal finally coming together delightfully. |
| Tue | 5/12/2015 | I’m grateful for learning the lesson to not be guarded, to connect, to be more open and loving … I’m grateful to be blessed with so many friends; it is such a privilege to have connections that mean something … I’m sad right now, grieving a friend of mine who passed away. I’m grateful to learn from him as long as I’ve known him. I’m grateful he opened up his stage for me. I’m grateful he shared his storytelling gift so openly. I’m tired right now. I must close these weary eyes. I’m grateful I can disconnect in this way. I’m grateful to rest my mind and heart. |
| Mon | 5/11/2015 | I’m grateful for a phone conversation with my mom to make a long drive go by fast … Finding enough focus to get my long to do list completed today … Exciting news for Nicole, an opportunity to grow to into her potential. |
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[su_note note_color=”#e7e7e7″ text_color=”#686767″ radius=”0″] My gratitude journey started in May 2011 and continues to this day. Thank you for being a part of it! A daily gratitude practice is simple. Write down three things you are grateful for each day. Download your free GratitudeGuide. My clients focus on gratitude and learn from their successes to make the positive changes they want in their lives. You can too. Call me to set up our first meeting 505.333.9336. [/su_note]